Tangled up in family ties

A fighter from a broken family

Daniel’s mother had several marriages in his growing up years. With multiple caregivers in his early childhood, he never had a constant adult figure whom he is attached to, said Daniel’s former social worker from the children’s home.

With every one of his mother’s new partners came new half-siblings that would fight for his parents’ attention. The youth may have felt like an outcast as he is not part of the family unit, said the social worker who still stays in touch with Daniel today.

During weekends at the children’s home, no one visited him. He was not given home leave to meet his mother due to safety concerns.

His social worker, who has to be kept anonymous to protect Daniel’s identity, would bring him out for outings and meals while other children met their parents.

“Daniel always had a desire to have a normal and intact family, to be connected with someone. He was always very envious of boys with families, ” he said, adding that the youth often acted out because of frustration and jealousy.

Six months after he left the children’s home, the 13-year-old was arrested for robbery and rioting, and was sent to Boys’ Town - a residential home for boys - for a year of rehabilitation. 

According to him, his friends there came from broken families too. Trying to provide for themselves, they did ‘entrepreneurial activities’ to earn money — sneaking in things from outside to sell, and extorting money from other boys.

This got him into trouble, and he was soon sent to Boys’ Home. 

Things spiraled down even more, as he started attacking people for a loan shark. He could get up to $3000 each time, he said.

Boys’ Home could only keep him till he was 16 and he was eventually sent back to the children’s home he grew up in. This time, he became a dangjia there - meaning “head of the house” in Hokkien.

He would rather be known as the tough fighter than the person with a broken family, he said.

Going solo

An act of kindness eventually turned his life around. When he was 18, he was held in a police lockup for a drug trafficking case which he insists he was not involved in. 

Desperate, he tried to call his mother. She did not pick up.

His social worker was the only one who came to help. Touched, the young man decided he wanted to be like him and guide at-risk youth.

“For the first time, I felt hopeful,” he said.

Eventually, he was acquitted and could apply for a social work course in a tertiary institute. In his schooling days, he lived alone in a rented room. While other students studied at night or spent time with their families, he worked six days a week as a butler in a nightclub to put himself through school and pay rent.

Other than going out with his social worker and two old friends from Boys’ Town, he has gotten used to a solitary life.

He empathised deeply with migrant workers, whom he served while on a school internship.

A lasting influence 

For some youth offenders, their family’s presence is part of the problem.

At 15 years old, Jonathan* was charged for rioting with deadly weapons. 

“Do you want to know who I was rioting with?” He paused before answering. “It was my mum, my dad, and my younger brother.”

Jonathan’s family situation is complex. His mother, a drug addict, left his biological father when he was a toddler. Meanwhile, his stepfather is a heavyweight in a gang and ‘famous’ among rival groups, said Jonathan, who is now 22.

When he was 14, a group of strangers cornered him and taunted him, saying his stepfather was getting old and weak. 

“I told them to tell my father that, not me,” said Jonathan. “Then shit happened. He hit me and I got pissed off.” 

The next night, his stepfather led the family to hunt the men down. The youth watched as the older man sliced the stranger across the cheek with a chopper.

Both Jonathan and his stepfather were arrested. While the older man was sent to prison, the youth was given a two week detention order at Boys’ Home, a year in Boys’ Hostel and a year of probation at home.

His stepfather could not be reached for comment, but Jonathan’s ex-social worker Narasimman S/O Tivasiha Mani, who has worked with the youth for six years now, confirmed the fight.

Role models

Most children turn to their parents as role models. According to Dr Gregor Lim-Lange, an experienced clinical psychologist who has worked with troubled youth, children learn from their parents’ behaviours.

“Kids learn by observing,” he said. “If they see adults take drugs, be aggressive, or even drive their car too fast - in their eyes that’s normal. (They think) that’s how adults behave, so they are at risk of behaving similarly.”

As a child, when the family would go out for lunch at the coffee shop under their block, gang fights would break out.

“My brother was still a baby in a pram. We were eating at the table and suddenly somebody broke a bottle on my dad’s head. He got up and he and his friends started fighting,” recalled Jonathan. “I saw blood and punches being thrown.”

Jonathan said he witnessed at least five similar fights at meal times. Even though his stepfather warned him to stay away from gang activities, he grew up learning that he could solve problems with his fists.